So, I did some preliminary digging as I was mildly concerned. Could I have read something wrong during my hours of research and careful plant vetting process?

Wouldn't be the first time I've mixed something up! I figure I'd post my findings.
First stop, as always, was checking the
Pet Poison Helpline website. At the clinic, we call them whenever we have questions regarding toxic doses and treatment protocols for various substances. Usually the website itself is enough to determine the next step(s), but not always!
As per the website:
OLEANDER: "all parts of this plant are poisonous to multiple species (e.g., dogs, cats, humans, horses, cattle, etc.). Oleander
contains naturally-occurring poisons that affect the heart, specifically cardenolides or bufadienolides. These poisons are called cardiac glycoside toxins, and they interfere directly with electrolyte balance within the heart muscle"
"The toxins within these plants are similar to digitalis or digoxin, a common heart medication used in both human and veterinary medicine. The level of poisoning varies with the particular plant, part of the plant, and amount consumed. All parts of the plant are generally considered toxic – even the water in the vase has been reported to cause toxicosis.
Clinical signs from ingestion include cardiovascular signs (e.g., abnormal heart rhythm and rate), electrolyte abnormalities (e.g., a life-threatening high potassium level), gastrointestinal signs (e.g., nausea, drooling, vomiting, etc.), or central nervous system signs (e.g., tremors, seizures).
PHILODENDRON: "This plant contains
insoluble calcium oxalate crystals similar to other plants in the
Araceae amily. Chewing or biting into this plant will release these crystals causing tissue penetration and
irritation the mouth and GI tract. VERY rarely, swelling of the upper airway occurs making it difficult to breathe."
I also looked up the frequently recommended pothos while I was at it:
POTHOS: "This plant
contains insoluble calcium oxalate crystals similar to other plants in the
Araceae family. Chewing or biting into this plant will release these crystals causing tissue penetration and
irritation to the mouth and GI tract. VERY rarely, swelling of the upper airway occurs making it difficult to breathe."
In conclusion, while I agree that oleander is bad juju, philodendrons are likely no worse than pothos. They're largely less often recommended because the vines of heartleaf philodendrons aren't as sturdy as those of pothos varieties.