Crying with Laughter!

[Miss Lily]

Just re-discovered this in my email inbox. My friend sent it to me ages ago and I still can't read the whole thing without crying with laughter! Ladies ... enjoy! Hehe!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
>
>On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
>
>The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
>
>So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.


>It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
>
>No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws..
>
>I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ...and not succeeding.
>
>Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
>
>If they only knew!
>
>Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

[bridgofaith]

Oh that is ridicuously funny!!!! Thanks for the laugh, it was much needed!!

 

[laurie]

Tiff that was great and you are right I was cracking up from laughter. My hubby wanted to know what I was reading, so I read it to him. He did not find it funny at all. Go figure.

 

[NewOwner]

>Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

My geuss is because we understand it would NOT be fun to be in this situation

That would hurt SO much, and be Way to embarrasing

glad you girls liked it though

God that would be some painful.

 

[jojackson]

Oh I laughed Lil, But with my legs crossed tight and sense of horrified pain!

Ill share a story I posted for a freind about the last time one of my snakes escaped.....

Went to feed my Stimson Python tonight and discovered the door open and She was gone!
We turned the bedroom (where her enclosure is) upside down and careful sorted through a basket or two of clean washing but no snake.
Then discovered holes near the skirting board and knew immediately as my luck would have it, she'd gone straight out under the floor.

Thought she was gone for good but was determined to check, so under the house I went on hands and knees, over building debris, through cobwebs as thick as bedsheets ,most sporting a cranky redback spider or two, over mouldy uneven ground and under flooring joist beams determined to crack my head, with a dying dimming torch in one hand, navigating subfloor pipes and knee jarring bricks in pitch dark.

After startling a few mice, falling victim to the beams above and the debris below, my face and hair covered in spiderwebs, my back straing due to limitations of crawlspace under the bedroom in question on the damp side of the house, and cursing the torch, I noticed a scaley gleam betwixt the barer beam and the brickwork.

At this point i had barely 10 inches between the ground and the cruel beams above, I was on my belly trying to peer upward, hoping not to come nose to nose to a mouse or rat. My fingers wouldnt fit in the gap, so I had to army crawl about to find a sliver of rotting timbre to poke the python out from its hidey hole.

After a few pokes, her head and some length appeared inches from my face, but coiled, grumpy and ready to strike.
So I drop the stick and twisting painfully to remove my face from strike range, I make a grab for her.

Bad move. She nails me on the finger, so hard and fast that I reflexively recoil upwardly, only to be smartly reminded of the hardwood floor joist inches above my now, throbbing head.
I can hear the kids above me laughing and stomping on the floor trying no doubt, to determin exactly where Dad and his bashed head are.

I have to turn on my other side because some hard unknown peice of building rubble is digging into me, so I switch the almost extinct torch to the bitten hand and retreive the nearest peice of suitably sized rotten timbre I can reach and attemp to poke her into a full exit from the crevace.

whilst poking hopefully and casting warey glances at her head through the gloom, the bitten finger is bleeding and the resulting slippery grip on the torch makes me drop it. It goes out Immeadiately and clatters away unseen in the dark.

I grope about trying to find it, again hoping not to encounter a hungry rat drawn by the blood, I feel it with my fingertips and bellyshuffle over another peice of broken brick to reach it and whilst expressing a few choice expletives, I shake the d**nned thing and finally get its dim light going, I turn and see, inches from my eye, the python, who has it seems, instead been drawn by the blood.

Fortunately shes leaning so far out to tongueflick me, that most of her is exposed, leaving her little to maintain her grip on the brickwork, so I take advantage, grab her and close my eyes to
avoid damage should she be so inclined to go for my eyes.

I get a good grip on her but she turns and bites that hand, I almost drop her, but im so fed up by now that I grit my teeth and ignore it. she is still managing to keep her tail firmly in the crevace and the brickwork is rough, so I cant force her lest I do her harm (though the thought has by now crossed my mind LOL)

So Im in the dark, (the torch batteries have died for good) holding a biting snake with one bleeding hand, twisted awkwardy
with about 4inches of space above me, a dead torch in the other hand, waiting for the snake to realise the gig is up and let go.

Suddenly she slithers out and Ive got her. Now I have to back out of the space on my belly, in pitch dark, Try to remember or feel the way back to the door leading to the yard, avoid jutting pipes, debris and god knows what else, all the while holding the snake aloft and shaking a dead torch trying to make it go.

Thankfully, I could hear the kids in their room (above the exit door) so I navigate my way out following the sound of their laughter (directed at me).
Back in the enclosure goes the snake, lock on the door, and into a hot shower goes Dad, covered in cobwebs and filth.

Afterwards The snake took its first mouse since winter brumation (its been stubborn) so alls well that ends well. Seems a keepers blood works wonders on a fussy feeder!
Glad to have found her, had I waited till morning, im sure she would have made her way outside and been killed by the neighbours cat.

Theres a lesson from Murphy here, If your snake goes missing, you can be sure to find it in the most inaccessable possible place and under the worst possible conditions! dont even bother looking under the bed (unless ofcourse the above describes the abyss beneath your bed Lol)

Merry Christmas!